Loving an addict .....allowing someone elses disease to kill you

You search for the truth. You search for understanding but yet the addict pushes you further and further away into your own hell and you allow it without realising it.

You begin to rationalize which is worse, life with the addict or life without the addict? You want the addict to love you more than his addiction and behaviours. You beg and plead and they only hurt you with their words and actions and you allow it.

The addict beats you down. Beats down your self esteem and self worth and you allow it.

You in essence become an addict. Addicted to the pain, addicted to what little bit the addict will give to you because you allow it.

You welcome it just so you feel as though you are still a piece of them. You devalue yourself more.

You contemplate, your life in this hell and you wonder can you continue to live with this pain. The pain is so deep, it rips you from inside and it won't stop and you allow it.

You allow yourself to live in `constant fear. Anxiety has taken over your world and you allow it.

You allow yourself not to enjoy life. You can't enjoy life while you know the love you have is for the addict.

You pray and you hope the addict will return your love and allow yourself to go without it unitil then.

You believe your fight is strong. You believe you can conquer the addict with your love, you put your own importance aside.

You dream of once was, the love you felt so strong between you and you mourn everyday that is gone. You mourn your life but carry on doing it.

You mourn the reality of the one you love, the addict, you ignore the reality that you are not loving yourself while you do this.

You wish you could die. You don't want to wake up and feel the pain another day - you carry on allowing it.

Your wrought with anguish. You cry every night and you carry on allowing it.

You begin to believe you are somehow bad for loving this person. Loving this person with this horrible disease that lies, lets down , steals and hurts. You continue to let yourself down by allowing it.

You begin to question your own sanity. You wonder, did they ever feel love for me? Did they ever truly love me? Or was it all part of the addicts world? You carry on allowing it.

You wonder, was I ever a reality for this love of mine? The reality is... did you ever love yourself?

You wonder how much more you can bleed with pain. You just want it to stop and it won't. The pain just won't leave. You carry on allowing it.

You don't want to accept that you love an addict. You believe no matter what the addict really does love you, he is just sick. You continue to believe that your love for the addict is more important than you...you don't see how little you value yourself.

And that makes you sick. You don't want to wake up anymore feeling this pain, this pain of loving an addict and not loving yourself.

Your in hell and you can't get out of it. You carry on allowing it.

You die inside...............you have allowed it.

A little more each day you die and you welcome the death. Anything to get you out of this hell filled with pain.

You wake up each morning and wish you didn't.

For him to take pity on your suffering and end your life. You have chosen no life when you love an addict.

In the end the you have allowed someone elses disease to kill you too.